Hormonal Meandering

Life as I know it, always seems to be in some sort of twisted spiral where I have to consistently be the bigger person, and therefore receive the short end of the stick. I'm not saying that I am above learning a thing or two, but a persons life should be fulfilling as opposed to filled with abuse, misconduct and carelessness. These last adjectives come attached to episodes of present and past friendships lost, and current stalemates of associates that just wax and wane into oblivion at a moments notice. I am tired of the game of caring. I am tired of assumptions that wind up leaving me alone and lonely and crying to myself wondering am I that bad of a person that I clearly can't be befriended the way I feel that I should be or the way that I am to another. Ugh... reckless thoughts hit me harder on some days and are mere pin pricks on others. My demeanor cool to the touch as to not arouse the onlookers, but below brews a mastermind of creativity that just simmers with soreness and a want to be compassionately held and rocked into a heavenly stupor of knowledge that everything will work out and in God's plan and divine order.